Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
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MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I’d use my best pan on you.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?