Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
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Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder