HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
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What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.