Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.