Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
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My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.