Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
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7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.