him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
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wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5