him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
You Might Also Like
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
who will stop them
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.