HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
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Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry