HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
You Might Also Like
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁