Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
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I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
What’s so funny?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.