Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
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I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about