Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
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“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
My Sentiments Exactly
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Hell yeah 👍
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.