Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
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When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”