Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
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If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
not for long
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
so i’m at the stock market right
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
How to draw a duck
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?