Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
You Might Also Like
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”