1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
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me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
not seeing the problem
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.