Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
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If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I know
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.