Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
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What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.