Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
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Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.