Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
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You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.