Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts