Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
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Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
The Compass
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you