Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Every work call, he judges.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”