Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
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One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
“I wouldn’t.”
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters