*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
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Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.