Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
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Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
(more comics:
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill