Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
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“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe