Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Not all heroes wear capes.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
incredible
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING