I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
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[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
This makes total sense…
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.