Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
They got a point!
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
How software testing works
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.