Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I am patiently waiting for your email
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
After how many years should you clean your microwave?