Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
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[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.