Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
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Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.