Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
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Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Someone just threatened to call me later
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
your honor my client chooses dare
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you