I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
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[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.