HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
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Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast