HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
bias laundering edition
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
peak technology
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.