Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
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I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?