Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
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Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
peep davidson
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
If only
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies