Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
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Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
cats when you pet them too long:
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Great Canadian literature.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.