Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
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My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.