* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?