I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
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My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together