Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
You Might Also Like
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Story of my life…..
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.