Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
A game married people play.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
how many bears make up a bear minimum