him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
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I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
philosophical skeletons be like
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.