i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
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I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
accurate
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
The Compass
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.