Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
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If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
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It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said