Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
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[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
nature’s most graceful animal
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts